Sunday, May 5, 2013

Losing My Religion

Raised by a non-practicing Catholic and a WASP - both turned hippie turned Unitarian Universalist - my siblings and I were taught to think for ourselves, but that there were also times when having a higher power simply did wonders for your soul. The answer to life's problems were never to turn to prayer, but to turn to reason, discussion, action. However, when there were events beyond our control or we had seemingly tried all that was within our power to receive the results we wanted, my mother would tell us "let go and let God".

I've carried that philosophy through life and have found myself "praying" to God - or whomever - every night for years. Maybe it provides me with more therapy or peace of mind than anything else, but there were times when reminding myself to "let go and let God" was the only thing to get me through the following day. When I first realized that Husband and I were having trouble conceiving, I prayed and prayed and prayed on it. Having been raised in the UU church, I didn't discriminate to simply praying to a Christian God, I bought Hindu charms and Buddhist fertility bracelets, all in some desperate attempt to control the uncontrollable. Needless to say, none of them worked.

Fast forward a year or so to a few weeks ago, when I'm having another sleepless night, worried about insurance and Lupron shots and ultrasounds, etc. I began to fold my fingers together and turn to silent prayer. Usually at this time, as I tuck my hands under my chin, the thoughts just come flowing, asking for peace in life and to watch over and keep family healthy, but this night, nothing came. Emptiness save for the same thought repeating, "This is pointless. This is fucking pointless. It didn't work before, why would it work to pray for help with IVF now?" And that was it, my faith, whatever extent or form of it I had had, was gone. Is gone. And I feel empty and hopeless, knowing that the God I've been taught to let go my anxieties to has failed me.

No comments:

Post a Comment