Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Outing The INfertiles

I have a few friends who I suspect may be having issues conceiving. With the only friends who I know for a fact are infertile, we just kind of accidentally found out. Is there any appropriate way to find out if these few couples are having trouble? I keep trying to think of like sneaky conversation starters like, "oh I want to visit China someday. Speaking of China, pandas have trouble conceiving." Or, "you guys like breakfast? Speaking of breakfast, how are your eggs?" 

I am not one to talk about my feelings or really about anything private. With anyone. My mom doesn't know what we're going through. I feel as though I can't expect other people to want share their intimate stuff especially if I don't so am I just reaching for straws? I feel lonely and isolated and it becomes clearer everyday that even the most compassionate of people cannot understand or give the appropriate support unless they have gone through infertility or had trouble conceiving. 

What have your experiences been with fellow infertiles? Or do you have couples you wonder about? How have you found out about them or how have others found out about you? 

I also just want attention because I have no news and nothing going and I figured there were others   in a similar spot. It sucks to not be able to contribute to conversations and to feel so selfish because you can't even feel happy for someone going through IVF because you're too jealous that you're not moving forward.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Whiny Anniversary

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary....we spent the afternoon at our clinic. The drive home I swear we were the only non-minivan with stick family on the entire road (WHAT is the deal with those, btw? Are they just trying to be ironic now?).

 I spent a lot of the afternoon thinking about how it marks the official "4 year TTC" mark, along with all the things that I've done with my husband over these years. I almost led myself down the dark, evil path of thinking where we *could* be if we weren't infertile or where we *should* be if I had given in on trying to conceive on my own or called the RE and gone in the second I received the referral. Almost. Instead - and I think this is purely because I no longer contain the energy or emotions to think this way - I thought about the trips we'd had: London, Spain, multiple Caribbean, domestic trips with our families; the time I've spent getting to know my husband, the fights during which we screamed at each other and learned what buttons *not* to push anymore, and the loud, rowdy sex and all of the times in between the two extremes; and I even thought about the me time such as long walks with the dogs and laying on the local beaches, shopping, watching a movie in the middle of the day completely uninterrupted. Would I trade all of these for a child of my own? In less than a heartbeat I would. Do I regret not calling the RE quicker and "throwing in the towel" as I had thought of it at the time? Maybe, but we can't live our lives wallowing in regret and self loathing. 

I'd like to think that I have grown into a women much braver, smarter, and experienced - and of course more beautiful - than I was at 26. I will be able to teach a son or daughter so much more because of the trips and life lessons, and more importantly my husband and I will be able to demonstrate a healthy relationship thanks to the time we've spent together prior to the craziness of parenthood. 

Of course, most of this is just me trying to convince myself that everything is "ok" and that I must stop waiting for my life to begin with a pregnancy. It does help a bit though. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I Need An Attitude Adjustment

I have become Bitchy McBitterson over the past few weeks and it's just not cool. Without getting too whiny or rant-y I will try to give a few of the lead contributing factors that have brought me to: giving a new mom a dirty look*, snap at women on social media**, and just have nasty thoughts and disposition in general. Where I was once a fairly rational person, I now allow rage to overtake reason and when the voice in my head tells me not to do something, I just can't listen. 

I'm pretty sure the main component to my new found disposition is that my husband has been recovering from surgery for over a month now. Nothing too drastic but enough that he's been home the entire time and is just this week beginning to do anything on his own - and I do mean anything. He is easily the worst patient you'll ever meet whereas I am not a very patient person*** and the scene has been tense to say the least. 

Due to said surgery, we have been unable to move forward in our conception journey. We now cannot start a cycle of IVF until at least mid-summer, which is sooo not what I was planning. So basically my life consists of working 12 hour days, coming home for second shift nursing, repeat; with nothing to even look forward to, no dates to block off on my calendar, no one to call when I'm Cycle Day 1. I find myself thinking of excuses to call my RE, just to remind him that I'm still alive. 

I also have not been sleeping. I know that this is a common problem for many but usually not for me. Perhaps it's because I haven't shared a bed with my husband for over a month but I really don't think so. If I'm good at anything, it's passing right out and snoozing until my godforsaken alarm wakes me (I'm also pretty awesome at convincing myself that the snooze button is friend, not the foe it really is and that 20 minutes is PLENTY of time- spoiler alert for anyone who wants to give that a whirl: it never is). Lately I'll toss and turn for hours, just thinking about how far off from where I wanted to be by 30. 

I like to think I'm fairly self-aware; I know I don't have things half as bad as many and should be thankful for what I have and usually I am, I really am. The weight of the infertility is just crushing me, and so much lies in the hands of appointments and end goals and working towards those that when they're not there, it's hard to see anything else....if that makes any sense at all. 

*I really did you guys, I don't know what made me do it, she was just walking past my house with her perfect little family of perfect husband, adorable toddler and newborn and when we caught eyes, I could not smile at her.

**So cowardly, so lame, and so not me. Also, so pointless! Different opinions are what make the world go round, even the idiotic ones. It reminds me of this comic that makes it's way round every few months in which a man is telling his wife he'll be coming to bed in "just a minute, someone is wrong on the internet".

***Match made in heaven, I know. 

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Losing My Religion

Raised by a non-practicing Catholic and a WASP - both turned hippie turned Unitarian Universalist - my siblings and I were taught to think for ourselves, but that there were also times when having a higher power simply did wonders for your soul. The answer to life's problems were never to turn to prayer, but to turn to reason, discussion, action. However, when there were events beyond our control or we had seemingly tried all that was within our power to receive the results we wanted, my mother would tell us "let go and let God".

I've carried that philosophy through life and have found myself "praying" to God - or whomever - every night for years. Maybe it provides me with more therapy or peace of mind than anything else, but there were times when reminding myself to "let go and let God" was the only thing to get me through the following day. When I first realized that Husband and I were having trouble conceiving, I prayed and prayed and prayed on it. Having been raised in the UU church, I didn't discriminate to simply praying to a Christian God, I bought Hindu charms and Buddhist fertility bracelets, all in some desperate attempt to control the uncontrollable. Needless to say, none of them worked.

Fast forward a year or so to a few weeks ago, when I'm having another sleepless night, worried about insurance and Lupron shots and ultrasounds, etc. I began to fold my fingers together and turn to silent prayer. Usually at this time, as I tuck my hands under my chin, the thoughts just come flowing, asking for peace in life and to watch over and keep family healthy, but this night, nothing came. Emptiness save for the same thought repeating, "This is pointless. This is fucking pointless. It didn't work before, why would it work to pray for help with IVF now?" And that was it, my faith, whatever extent or form of it I had had, was gone. Is gone. And I feel empty and hopeless, knowing that the God I've been taught to let go my anxieties to has failed me.

Social Media and Parenting (A Mini Rant)

Anyone else had enough of moms and their self-centered, diluted, self-serving Facebook posts, Tweets, blogs, email chains, etc? I'm not one of those infertile girls who thinks that posts about people's kids are all meant to rub salt in my wound; I understand that the world doesn't always revolve around me, but my gosh, has social media corrupted the world - parents in particular - into thinking that everyone actually cares what anyone else is doing with her life?

The photos I understand and can even tolerate as long as they're not inundating with every single event of the child's life (with all this picture taking and Facebooking, how exactly are you getting all of this "parenting" done that you so readily pat yourself on the back for via someecards and status updates?). And what is up with speaking for your newborn baby? "Sophia loves 5 Guys!" Um, Sophia has no teeth and has been sleeping in her babyseat the entire time. Or moms posting on other mom's walls "for" their kids? "Little Jack can't wait to see Moonbeam Sunflower again, he wants to know when their next play date is!" It's enough to make even the most non-jaded of us all go running off the grid and toss the cell phone, iPad, iPod and Kindle into the freaking ocean. 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Obligatory Mothers Day Lamentations

There's lot of chatter on the Infertility Boards about the way ladies handle Mothers Day. We all know what they say about the best laid plans, so here's a realistic prediction of how May 12th will play out for me.

Pick a fight with my husband - forecast says 98% probability.

Spend lots of time hugging my dogs and pretending that they love me like an actual real mother -100% chance although not much different from any other day of the week. 

Eat lots of chocolate and comfort foods "because it's a special day" - 95% with a chance that fight with husband will decrease appetite in afternoon.

Be disgusted by girls who I used to babysit for posting pictures on Facebook of what their stupid kids made them at stupid daycare - 75% chance, I'll tell myself to stay off Facebook but by around 11am we'll see a bought of boredom that will force peeking.

Feel the disappointment oozing from my mother that I'm not giving her a granddaughter for Mother's Day - 90% although I could always get her drunk and just have her tell me. 

Go home from Mom's house feeling sadder and worse than ever - 99% with a chance of it increasing if I see all of my neighborhood pals at their parents' houses with their cute little kids. 

Snap or have breakdown upon reading sarcastic ecards about how horrible motherhood is or how "lucky" I am to be childless- 75% chance with a caveat that I will cut the bitch who dares to say this to me on Sunday. 

**Edit** just found out that ABC Family will be playing Harry Potter marathon this weekend - thank you, TV gods. 110% chance I will be self-soothing with these movies. 

I'd love to hear your plans; if the day bothers you or doesn't mean much. I'd also really enjoy what your predictions are for "keeping it together" and how you plan to cope. 

Lies I Tell Myself

There's been so much running around in my head, I simply needed a place to get it all down. Eventually I'd like to edit the page with a blog description, etc, but for now just getting to the computer to write this has taken months. It's the weight of the issue that has kept me down, and facing it deeper than the appointments and discussions with my husband and RE have been just enough for me to take until today.

Here is an email I sent to myself this week, after being told that we will yet again need to wait. 


Subject: The Lies I Tell Myself To Feel Better About Being 30 and Childless

With Kids

-I'll have way too much responsibility with a child - I do enjoy laying around and watching crap television with swears and searching Reddit and Pinterest whenever I want.

-I'll actually have to do all of that in between the blinds dusting that I get away with skipping now. I'm a relatively neat person; I enjoy cleaning...at times. However, as stated above, I also enjoy not having to do anything I don't want when I don't want to (unless of course it involves my dogs, in which case disregard all). 

-Nutritious meals and snack will have to be provided, all day, every day and I will have to provide a good example with eating and nutrition (aka, no more cake for breakfast, no ice cream for dinner, Rice Krispy treats for lunch - shit, how I am not morbidly obese?). 

-The online shopping, high end hair appointments and keeping up with facial wax will probably be gone or few and far between. 

Then, I replied to myself the next day with one word "MONEY" - self explanatory, although I suppose it could be an add-on to online shopping, etc. The hub and I are my no means rolling in dough, but let's just say we get all of our bills paid on time and can make reasonable purchases without worrying. Nothing more American than consumerism to ease your pain. 

As you can see, I try to see the best in things,  ....which usually lasts about 5 minutes until I became my sarcastic, hateful self. Of course, even if I were the optimistic, "glass half-full" kind of gal the realization that none of the above mentioned things are better than the idea of a yummy smelling bundle of chubby baby goodness would hit quickly enough, as it always does, leaving me right back to square one of trying to convince myself to be happy and enjoy my life.