Saturday, August 24, 2013

Saturday Errands

No matter how great you're feeling, it will always be shitty if your Trader Joe's is directly next to a Babies R Us.


Saturday, August 17, 2013

For the First Time In the History of Infertility, No News Is Good News,

A much as I've wanted to write and keep the blog updated this past week or so, I haven't really had much to say and for once, I'm okay with not having any news to share. 

Husband and I spent the remainder of my vacation week sleeping in, eating out, and taking a weekend trip up to Vermont to visit my beautiful grandmother who turned 90 last month! We spent plenty of time with family, including my cousin and his wife who have been married for over twenty years and live very happily child-free. It was refreshing to learn that his wife had, at one point, wanted children but had decided she would be fine without them (although, when you're married at the age of 21, you there's still a possibility of having kids after twenty years of marriage, isn't there? I suppose I'm not afforded the same situation but I know I would not be able to concede to a child-free life). 

The weather in Burlington was as beautiful as the company and Husband and I were able to come home recharged and relaxed which was very much needed after the past few months. I even got my period on the Saturday we were away and I was able to be happy about it- for the first time in forever - because it was exactly on time and if it's going to come, I'd much rather it comes on time and not play those mind games that us infertility women are so susceptible to. 

So I've been able to block the pain of infertility and not moving forward out of my brain for now. Do I want to be pregnant any less? Not even remotely, but I've realized that if there is not one thing I can do about it, it is only going to ruin me mentally and what is the point in dwelling? My goals for the remainder of the summer are to enjoy everything to the fullest because hopefully this time next year I'll have my hands full with a newborn. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

"The Next Time I See You, You Better Be Fat!"

                            My Enjoy Life, Put ICSI On Hold Morning 

Today is day one of "enjoy life" and put ICSI on hold (although it's probably more like day 1.7 but whatever). I spent the morning enjoying a walk around a local park and enjoying the salty air, then my phone chimed. "APPOINTMENT REMINDER"...shit. I swiped the screen and realized what I'd forgotten before I even read the screen: "pap smear". Fanfuckingtastic. 

Again, what would a week without a doctor's appointment be? So I went and saw my good old OBGYN, which was pretty refreshing considering the last time we met -last July- he gave me the name of my current RE and urged me to meet with him by the time I turned 30. So we spent some time catching up and then got down to business. The speculum never bothers me but today there was some slight discomfort, "hmm, does it feel like you need to pee?" he asked from "down there". "Ohh, I forgot I had OHSS after the retrieval was awful." He grinned and took his gloves off and I formed me that my ovaries are still quite swollen, asking me when the last ultrasound I'd had was. Shit, nonono, not fucking fair to put me through another ultrasound. Luckily he let it slide when I told him I'd had one post- retrieval and informed me that it can take pretty long for the ovaries to get back to normal. Who knew? 

We chatted a bit more on all sorts of things and on his way out he turned and told me he hopes to see me nice and fat next year. Me too, doc, me too. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Cryobank Trip #3

Husband went to the cryobank this afternoon. I'm on vacation and this is - finally, finally, finally! - his last week of being out injured, so he tried to get out of the appointment under the guise of taking me shopping. I almost fell for the ruse, but last minute I told him "just go, you never know, today could be the day." Not that I have any expectations any more, but I have let go of the anxiety completely so I was able to put the notions of excitement or failure completely out of mind. 

Shortly after he returned, Husband got the phone call from the clinic, I had a feeling of excitement wash over me that I pushed down* and when I saw my husband do a fist pump, I sort of allowed myself to feel a bit of relief. His numbers were significantly higher than last week but still fairly low (1.8million today; roughly four vials to freeze) and the motility looks great, which is the really exciting news. I still can't allow myself to feel too excited until I actually have a baby in my arms but I will indulge the feelings of relief for now (and I will definitely let Husband take me on the shopping trip we skipped today).

*I know that no one will believe me but I do have a strong sense of intuition related to a few things. It's like ESPN or something. 

**Update- scratch all of the above. RE just called and is not that impressed by the motility or the numbers. Husband now instructed to come in every 4-6 weeks for normal semen analyses until numbers are back up to "March numbers" (where he was for his first SA). Fuck. My. Life. Oh and did I mention we've spend $750 to freeze so far?**

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Our Trip To the Urologist

Gas:      $20
Parking: $7
Copay:  $20

Having a professional sit and lecture your husband on anabolic steroids for thirty minutes: fucking priceless. 

I know the old MasterCard commercial was so cliche even back when I was in high school but, honestly, that's all I've got to say about tha-at (Forrest Gump voice). He did some bloodwork to check hormones to see if his suspicions are correct - Husband would have to be a sociopathic psychopath for those tests to come back positive, or I'm just a completely gullible asshole - but other than that, he did not even entertain any other factors or help us move forward in anyway. 

So I'm going to try to enjoy my vacation this week and just chill the fuck out. Figures I got a reminder that my yearly pap smear is this week, but I think I would feel off center if I didn't have some sort of doctor's appointment to go to. Hey, who knows, maybe every idiot on the planet is right and I'll get pregnant while I'm "just relaxing", you don't even have to have sex according to that rule, right?

A Sick Joke

I went to the dermatologist a few weeks back for a skin scan. I spent so many summers lifeguarding and swimming that I don't know how I came away without melanoma before the age of 21. I have some hyperpigmentation I've been self conscious about and asked my derm about it. He looked quietly with that freaky light saber scanner and said "Pregnancy Mask". 

"Uhh, what?" I replied. 

"Are you currently on birth control?" He asked. 

"No actually, I stopped years ago but I did just finish a round of hormones for IVF"

We then discussed my journey a bit and he told me that "pregnancy mask" can occur in pregnant women or women who are taking pregnancy hormones such as birth control or IVF meds (shout out to the PCP who first prescribed me BC way back when and to my clinic nurses, all of whom never once warned me to be extra super careful about sun exposure while on any of these drugs). He said he'd call in a cream that can fix it but it being summer and with my continuing to take the IVF meds prepping for transfer, it would take a while to see a difference. 

Lucky me, shortly after I got word I wouldn't be having an FET this summer at all so at least my skin has started to show vast improvement. I just had to laugh at the odds of everything that could have happened to my skin, I walk away with "Pregnancy Mask"; pretty sure that this is what irony is. 

PSA: wear sunscreen 365. Trust. Me.