Life Today

I had monitoring for my first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on Saturday. It will be far less invasive and less time consuming however it is much less likely to work and I am not even expecting that the two embryos we have left will even survive the thaw, but it is something instead of nothing. Christmas is now a week and a half away and I have been finding myself internally angry a lot of the time. It's not that I'm taking anger out on a single soul - or at least, I hope I am not - but inside my head, there are angry, awful thoughts and mean words for almost every situation I find myself in and almost every person I come across. I know this is not healthy and I also recognize that it is me who is the problem (if it smells like shit everywhere you go, check under your own shoe, and all that).

Being aware of the anger and having an idea of where it stems from is all well and good, but how to let go? For some reason, I thought perhaps the teachings of Buddha would help me. I have no idea what brought this on or why I knew to turn to Buddhism, but I did and for the time being, I feel slightly at peace, although I know that I have a very long way to go and will need many, many reminders along the way. I thought I'd share something I read before bed last night from "Buddha In Blue Jeans" by the poet and Zen priest, Tai Sheridan:

Pain Is Natural

Pain is a natural part of life, 

Learn to accept it, 

Learn to take care of it

as best you can. 

Decrease the complaining. 

Decrease the self-centeredness around it.

Everybody has pain. 

Breathe and relax

into the pain 

as best you can. 

Please accept natural pain. 

Because that's what the anger is about, isn't it, in the end? It's due to the pain and suffering that consumes us and makes us forget that we are not alone and that our pain is not the only pain. I've been trying to remind myself this year that I can choose to say, "No one has any idea what I'm going through," or, I can say, "I have no idea what anyone else is going through." It's very hard, much harder than self-pity but it does help. 

Losing My Religion

Raised by a non-practicing Catholic and a WASP - both turned hippie turned Unitarian Universalist - my siblings and I were taught to think for ourselves, but that there were also times when having a higher power simply did wonders for your soul. The answer to life's problems were never to turn to prayer, but to turn to reason, discussion, action. However, when there were events beyond our control or we had seemingly tried all that was within our power to receive the results we wanted, my mother would tell us "let go and let God".

I've carried that philosophy through life and have found myself "praying" to God - or whomever - every night for years. Maybe it provides me with more therapy or peace of mind than anything else, but there were times when reminding myself to "let go and let God" was the only thing to get me through the following day. When I first realized that Husband and I were having trouble conceiving, I prayed and prayed and prayed on it. Having been raised in the UU church, I didn't discriminate to simply praying to a Christian God, I bought Hindu charms and Buddhist fertility bracelets, all in some desperate attempt to control the uncontrollable. Needless to say, none of them worked.

Fast forward a year or so to a few weeks ago, when I'm having another sleepless night, worried about insurance and Lupron shots and ultrasounds, etc. I began to fold my fingers together and turn to silent prayer. Usually at this time, as I tuck my hands under my chin, the thoughts just come flowing, asking for peace in life and to watch over and keep family healthy, but this night, nothing came. Emptiness save for the same thought repeating, "This is pointless. This is fucking pointless. It didn't work before, why would it work to pray for help with IVF now?" And that was it, my faith, whatever extent or form of it I had had, was gone. Is gone. And I feel empty and hopeless, knowing that the God I've been taught to let go my anxieties to has failed me.