Finally Found My Mantra!

Every time - and I mean EVERY.TIME. - I try to come up with a mantra for yoga or meditation, I can only think of either Grandmother Willow  in Pocahontas ("Que, que naturah, you will understand") or, and this is silly, but I am a Beatles fan, George Harrison had a hand in a nice version of a Hare Krishna chant ("Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, hare hare/ hare Rama, hare Rama, Rama Rama, hare hare"). Neither of which means dick to me or my journey, so I always end up either counting breaths or doing what my mom taught me as a very young child, which is to visualize breathing "in with the good, out with the bad": simple but somewhat effective. 

Well since I'm on my quest to be more zen and am also in the two week wait once again - how is that for a test of wills, by the way? For the beginning of my quest to coincide with the wait?* - I downloaded some regular meditation podcasts and one fertility mediation podcast which I really enjoyed the episodes I tried out. The first one introduced the mantra, "I let go, it is beyond my control". How simple is that? How perfect is that for infertility? Pretty perfect if you think about the way a mantra is supposed to work, that's to say, if you really stick with it, you can in fact make a change in your thinking and train your brain to release control. I know it's not for everyone but for me, it's better than those "ohm shanti shanti shanti ohm" ones, which are effective as well but don't mean much to me. 

*I realize I used "quest" twice and that's bad form for creative writing but I just love the word and it makes me feel like Atreyu whenever I use. If you aren't down with Atreyu, don't even think you're down with me. 

Life Today

I had monitoring for my first Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on Saturday. It will be far less invasive and less time consuming however it is much less likely to work and I am not even expecting that the two embryos we have left will even survive the thaw, but it is something instead of nothing. Christmas is now a week and a half away and I have been finding myself internally angry a lot of the time. It's not that I'm taking anger out on a single soul - or at least, I hope I am not - but inside my head, there are angry, awful thoughts and mean words for almost every situation I find myself in and almost every person I come across. I know this is not healthy and I also recognize that it is me who is the problem (if it smells like shit everywhere you go, check under your own shoe, and all that).

Being aware of the anger and having an idea of where it stems from is all well and good, but how to let go? For some reason, I thought perhaps the teachings of Buddha would help me. I have no idea what brought this on or why I knew to turn to Buddhism, but I did and for the time being, I feel slightly at peace, although I know that I have a very long way to go and will need many, many reminders along the way. I thought I'd share something I read before bed last night from "Buddha In Blue Jeans" by the poet and Zen priest, Tai Sheridan:

Pain Is Natural

Pain is a natural part of life, 

Learn to accept it, 

Learn to take care of it

as best you can. 

Decrease the complaining. 

Decrease the self-centeredness around it.

Everybody has pain. 

Breathe and relax

into the pain 

as best you can. 

Please accept natural pain. 

Because that's what the anger is about, isn't it, in the end? It's due to the pain and suffering that consumes us and makes us forget that we are not alone and that our pain is not the only pain. I've been trying to remind myself this year that I can choose to say, "No one has any idea what I'm going through," or, I can say, "I have no idea what anyone else is going through." It's very hard, much harder than self-pity but it does help.