31 Is the New 21

Yesterday was my birthday. In true birthday form, I was in tears before 7am, driving along on my way to work and crying because I had, stupidly, peed on an hcg stick before leaving and it was, naturally, negative with no chance of there being any sort of trace of hcg anywhere. Never mind the lingering concept of knowing that this is not where I wanted to be at 31 nor did I ever expect to be here. Forget the fact that I am being pumped full of the 'mones and am therefore about a billion percent more emotional than normal. Nope, the tears were brought on by my full-on stupidity of peeing on a godforsaken stick before I went to work on the day of my birthday, 6 days post frozen transfer.

 By the time I arrived at work, I'd already screwed up my makeup and my entire day. My boss fully forgot my birthday (again) which is fine, it's a week after New Year's, I don't expect anyone to care or remember when I go out of my way to make everyone else's birthdays special (hello, bitter? party of one). The Facebook notos flooded in but really, do any of those people give a shit? And how much has Facebook ruined our culture, by the way, when my own mother and brother thought a simple post on my wall was going to suffice?

Yes, I'm full of self-pity mixed with wallowing over the probability of another negative beta mixed with self-sabotage from forcing the negative test upon myself. Luckily the boys I watch were sweet as pie all day, making me toy cakes and just as I was about to "blow them out" saying, "No no, it's not ready yet" and running to grab some other drool and snot covered toy to add. The stress of the day must've shown on my face because one of the 2 year olds looked at me while I was changing his diaper and asked, "Are you otay, (my name)?" I nearly lost it right there but just planted as many kisses and hugs upon him as he would allow before running off to be a race car.

I work long hours on Wednesdays but this day, somehow, mercifully went by at a bearable speed and by the time I got home, I just wanted to curl up with my dogs and my husband and cry. The fact that there were NO birthday cards in the mailbox ensured plenty of tears by the time the dogs greeted me (yes, I'm a spoiled brat, but it was my birthday and I will cry if I need to). My grandmother, who is 90 and is always ever so punctual with a card and a check for any occasion, is in the hospital so the disappointment of not having a card was then replaced with guilt for being so self-centered when my grandmother is sick, cue more tears.

By the time Husband walked through the door - with an embarrassingly large bouquet of flowers - I was a balled up, bawling mess on the floor next to the dog bed. Husband is ever the optimist about our infertility battle so he simply held me and told me I was being dumb about the testing, then he said something that really broke me, he said, "don't you think I blame myself for this every day?" Great. At this point I think I had cried myself into a lower immune system and all of the snots and coughs and grossness the kids I watch have rained upon me for the past two weeks caught up with me and I became sick within literally minutes of my husband coming home. Because, why not? It's my birthday, dammit. Let's cap off a fantastic day with an annoying cold and no appetite. Wah wah wah.

Now I am here all stuffy and gross, supposed to be renewing my driver's license with THE hottest DMV photo of all time. Looks like I'm driving without a license til next week.

Five Stages of Negative Beta Grief

As I'm sure you can infer from the title, I received word on Thursday afternoon that I am not pregnant. It is now Saturday and I'm just starting to feel that I can type this out without coming completely undone.

As I lay on the floor crying before Husband came home, I thought about how I would be able to get over the grief and move on in time to see anyone outside of the two of us. Being "in the closet" has plenty of advantages for us, but when grieving over the loss of something that wasn't actually yours or even real yet, it's hard to explain to anyone why or what you're grieving over. No one sends flowers or cards, there is no obituary, nothing to eulogize, and nothing to mourn for except for the loss of what you thought was meant to be.

The stages of grieving over a failed cycle have been different for me than the well known Kubler- Ross model*; it's really hard to "Deny" when a doctor tells you that you're not pregnant based on bloodwork done that morning. For me, the initial reaction was, "try to be strong until I get off the phone. Then I can cry," yet I hardly heard a word the nurse said because all I could feel was Devastation.

Does anger come next? I cannot speak for others but it's hard to be angry at anyone but myself, and yet anger did not come after Devastation.. For me, I was more angry as I was waiting and waiting for hours longer than they should have made me wait to take the call. I took my blood test at 6:10am and did not hear back from them until nearly 3pm, but once the phone rang there was no possible way anger could beat the anxiety that was then replaced by devastation. It's difficult for me to be angry when you're grieving something that never was. Anguish describes this time best.

It's impossible to bargain a negative beta. I suppose the argument can be made that it is also not reasonable to do so after a death, but I felt that I had done all of my infertility bargaining previous to the test results, "if I do this, I will be pregnant", "God, please please let me be pregnant, I'll never swear again." What can I offer up now? The test is done and nothing that I gave over in my bargains was accepted. No, anguish does not turn into bargaining, it turns into something much worse and uglier: Blame. On myself, on my RE, on my dogs for touching my stomach, on the random lady who bumped into me at the store, I'm extremely ashamed to concede that I felt tiny flashes of blame towards Husband but mostly I blame myself. I blame myself for the stress I put myself under, for taking the two weeks off of work, for going too fast up the stairs one day, for what I ate and didn't eat and for what I've done or haven't done in my life to cause karma to take her vicious vendetta against me now. 

Depression is a reoccurring theme throughout infertility. I'm not clinically depressed by any standard, but I do get down about all things babies and infertility. Disappointment is what I have been dealing with. Disappointment sounds like such a tame word compared with "devastation" or "anguish" but when you're thinking in terms of not being able to share happy news with loved ones, or with spending another holiday season without a baby in your belly, disappointment is a powerful stab that leaves it's mark. 

If we were mourning the death of a loved one, we would undoubtedly come to Accept our loss. Usually after the services and the body has been buried or ashes spread into the ocean, many people describe feeling a release or a calming acceptance that they've said goodbye and that their family or friend is laid to rest. Yet, to task me to accept that I am not pregnant? No. There is no acceptance that I can't have a baby after all my husband and I have put ourselves through for years and for this cycle alone. Crackheads and murderers have children; I cannot and will not accept that I cannot have a baby. Yes, this cycle failed, but I won't accept that, either. I want answers and I want a solution. There is also no "final " stage of mourning a failed cycle until the next cycle comes along and brings some hope. Until then, all things infertility and fertility related will make me Apathetic. Many women in the infertility world have said that it is extremely difficult to get excited when they are about to start a new cycle. The feeling of apathy comes from the grief that we've become so familiar with and have learned to brace ourselves for. Yes, hope will reappear and push me into another cycle, however, - call it self-preservation - with each negative test, a little piece of me breaks off and a fraction of the amount of hope I had last cycle is now taken over by apathy. 

* Otherwise known as the 5 stages of grief

Ready To Initiate Phase 2

Since I'm a glutton for punishment, I spent a good portion of my afternoon perusing my ex boyfriend's wife's Facebook albums (their kid just had a birthday). Don't get me wrong: I know I dodged a major bullet by not having a kid with that loser, but as I'm sitting on my couch with my dogs being a lazy slob all weekend, although there's nowhere else I'd rather be, the feeling of emptiness is palpable. I want to be throwing birthday parties for my own kids and teaching my own kids all sorts of stuff and watching them develop, the way I have for the countless kids I've nannied.

I've been asked multiple times if I'm "excited" to start IVF number two and everytime I try to answer the query, all I can think about is wanting to skip ahead to pregnancy. Gone is the joy I get from sleeping in on the weekends - as I wake up and quietly drink my coffee, I long for a crying baby to soothe or for eager toddlers waiting to get a move on a fun family activity (Apple picking anyone?). There are so many activities I miss out on because the idea of going ice skating, to the fair, to an amusement park, etc feels so depressing without a child. No longer do I get a smug satisfaction out of seeing our bank account grow; "we'd never have money to go to Foxboro for a game if we had a kid!" I'd tell myself, in the past, to pacify the emptiness. Today I'd gladly spend that money on diapers or after school activities or planning our first family trip to Foxboro.

The emptiness us infertiles feel is impossible to describe to the "lucky ones"; what else is there on the planet that you can know you want more than anything, without ever actually having had it to begin with? What else would you put your body through the shots, the hormones, and the appointments for?  I know that eventually all that the IVF cycles entail will bring me on to the next phase and I cannot even imagine how amazing it is going to feel to eventually fill the void, I just can't stand the thought of waiting another second for my destiny to arrive. 

Retrospect

How time flies when you are not obsessing over infertility appointments and deadlines! Makes me wish we all had an "off" button somewhere internally for the days when we're tormenting ourselves waiting for our periods or for "the call" or the beta test, ultrasound, blood work, followup, FET, ER, ET.....phew, it truly is a wonder how we don't all end up committed at some point throughout this affair. As difficult as it is to see when you're in the depths of the process, a break can really be a good thing and I strongly recommend one to anyone who is able to do so.

The past week I've been in a toss up of "clouds". Clouds are what I call it when I retreat into my brain and allow my thoughts to wander and escape so much that I'm having conversations and scenarios play out internally without even really noticing so. Our dear friend was finally memorialized on Monday at a beautiful location in my hometown, with many beautiful people who represent the epitome of my childhood, and beautiful stories about the beautiful woman who chose to create her own fate and destiny, right up to the very end. I sat flanked by my parents, in a row with my childhood best friends' parents, watching through the windows as sailboats passed and seagulls flew effortlessly on the breeze. I could not help but think of how many times I'd been in this exact position as a child, with those very characters in that very town and how much of an absence there was and will always be from now on. 

The numerous stories of our dear friend were touching and there was much laughter and even more tears. When it was over, in place of the relief that one often feels at the end of such a memorial, I felt an emptiness and sadness that has lingered with me ever since. Thinking of the tales of such a strong woman who made such a seemingly weak decision in the end and how many lives she touched! Oh the people she influenced in her life and from such an early age! And I've been sitting around feeling desperate for a child, doing nothing but planning and thinking about becoming a mother for years. What stories would anyone have to tell of me were I to die? 

One could get lost in the cloud of life and death but there's been another cloud nagging at my brain as our deadline to return to the RE for a semen analysis quickly approaches. The deadline itself has me thinking of the deadlines we've set for ourselves; the idea that - despite it only being the second day of September - that I could possibly have to survive yet another Christmas without bearing a child. Deadlines that our dear friend may have set for herself; watching the game clock wind down 4...3...2...are you happy yet? What will you do if you are not so by the time the whistle blows? How will you sit through another holiday feeling so empty, so useless? What will happen if this month off break has been all for not in terms of the ceaseless search for sperm? 

Saturday Errands

No matter how great you're feeling, it will always be shitty if your Trader Joe's is directly next to a Babies R Us.

                           

   

The Lupron Diaries

Been emailing myself symptoms daily, with hopes to help out anyone who will be taking Lupron in the future. Keep in mind that most hormones and injectable exacerbate emotions or feelings that are already dormant - or not so dormant- inside of you and reactions will vary. I have not found this drug to be too horrible. *

*For those unfamiliar, Lupron(Leuprorelin) increases testosterone in the initial weeks of use and essentially causes the female body to believe it is in menopause. So the cycle is interrupted and the goal is for there to be no period, so that you can then go on to inject more hormones to make the body ovulate, etc etc (don't worry, you'll all hear all about the later injections...later).

Day one: Could not do it. Needles never bothered me until I had to do it myself. Husband did it in seconds flat. I think he gets a sick pleasure out of being able to stick me with a needle, no matter how tiny.

 Day two: Stuck myself. Quick and no problem. Partially because husband was sleeping and also bc I'd had no coffee yet....no time to think. Feeling a little anxious but could be PMSish or the rainy weather or just the situation itself. 

Day 3: Woke up a little late as it is Saturday, husband assures me it's not a big deal to take the shots an hour or so apart here and there. Stumbled into kitchen, shot my tummy. Last night I woke up feeling hot and with a sharp pain in stomach but fell immediately back to sleep. Not sure if I'm feeling a placebo effect or this is starting. I'm not going to say that's it's not that bad because that is a surefire way to wake up in excruciating pain tonight.

Day 3 update update - more picking on hub this afternoon. His Offense- he left clutter. In my defense- he has been home and out of work for two months. Two full, long, months. 

Day 4- so hungry. Bought Entenmann's donuts and raspberry strudel (only bc they were BOGO free) donuts are almost all gone. Still hungry. Husband is encouraging me to snack on carrots. Fuck. That. Shit 

Day 5- Jittery, tired.  Irritable.  Could easily just be me.

Day 6- Tired. Irritable

6still - feeling warm but not bad bc I'm usually always cold

6 cont- tired. So tired

Day 7- Headache.

Day 8- emotional. Not even 10am and already teared up twice. One at a Pharma commercial.

Day 8 cont- headache, day 2. I'm a migraine person so it's not the worst that could happen by any means. 

Day 9- Soooo tired. Not sure if due to  week of rain or meds. How's it possible to be SO anxious with racing heart and yet soo exhausted. Cannot wait to go home and be lazy. Not even 10am yet.

I think my boobs are getting sore, is that supposed to happen?

Day 9- Welcome back, headache. Not really, you ugly little cunt. 

Day 10 - so much anxiety. Also tried to go to local fair but preggosEVERYWHERE.

Night 10- Oh, what do you know? headache. And boobs are definitely a smidge sore. Not PMS sore, but a smidge sore. God I hope they grow during all of this. 

Day 11midnight, or day 10 midnight? Let's say it's day 11, just after midnight. Got my period. Spent entire night freaking out because nurse told me that was not supposed to happen. No sleep because of freak out. Call nurse at open and she assures me I'm on perfect track to be seen tomorrow for bloodwork and ultra sound as planned. Thanks a lot, first nurse. 

On no sleep and headache turns to migraine by noon, while I'm trying to help my dad celebrate Father's Day. It is full blown want to puke status by the time we make it to our second event of the day- a one year old birthday party. Did I mention I got no sleep?

Day 12- Tired. Start Gonal tonight. 

Well, now that I read that I sound like a whiny little bitch but it hasn't been as bad as I made it seem here, those were just the feelings at the exact second of the email. I went to work every day no problem, slept every night no problem (and took naps at work no problem) just a quick heartbeat here and there, usually in the first hour after the morning injections.

Outing The INfertiles

I have a few friends who I suspect may be having issues conceiving. With the only friends who I know for a fact are infertile, we just kind of accidentally found out. Is there any appropriate way to find out if these few couples are having trouble? I keep trying to think of like sneaky conversation starters like, "oh I want to visit China someday. Speaking of China, pandas have trouble conceiving." Or, "you guys like breakfast? Speaking of breakfast, how are your eggs?" 

I am not one to talk about my feelings or really about anything private. With anyone. My mom doesn't know what we're going through. I feel as though I can't expect other people to want share their intimate stuff especially if I don't so am I just reaching for straws? I feel lonely and isolated and it becomes clearer everyday that even the most compassionate of people cannot understand or give the appropriate support unless they have gone through infertility or had trouble conceiving. 

What have your experiences been with fellow infertiles? Or do you have couples you wonder about? How have you found out about them or how have others found out about you? 

I also just want attention because I have no news and nothing going and I figured there were others   in a similar spot. It sucks to not be able to contribute to conversations and to feel so selfish because you can't even feel happy for someone going through IVF because you're too jealous that you're not moving forward.