Ready To Initiate Phase 2

Since I'm a glutton for punishment, I spent a good portion of my afternoon perusing my ex boyfriend's wife's Facebook albums (their kid just had a birthday). Don't get me wrong: I know I dodged a major bullet by not having a kid with that loser, but as I'm sitting on my couch with my dogs being a lazy slob all weekend, although there's nowhere else I'd rather be, the feeling of emptiness is palpable. I want to be throwing birthday parties for my own kids and teaching my own kids all sorts of stuff and watching them develop, the way I have for the countless kids I've nannied.

I've been asked multiple times if I'm "excited" to start IVF number two and everytime I try to answer the query, all I can think about is wanting to skip ahead to pregnancy. Gone is the joy I get from sleeping in on the weekends - as I wake up and quietly drink my coffee, I long for a crying baby to soothe or for eager toddlers waiting to get a move on a fun family activity (Apple picking anyone?). There are so many activities I miss out on because the idea of going ice skating, to the fair, to an amusement park, etc feels so depressing without a child. No longer do I get a smug satisfaction out of seeing our bank account grow; "we'd never have money to go to Foxboro for a game if we had a kid!" I'd tell myself, in the past, to pacify the emptiness. Today I'd gladly spend that money on diapers or after school activities or planning our first family trip to Foxboro.

The emptiness us infertiles feel is impossible to describe to the "lucky ones"; what else is there on the planet that you can know you want more than anything, without ever actually having had it to begin with? What else would you put your body through the shots, the hormones, and the appointments for?  I know that eventually all that the IVF cycles entail will bring me on to the next phase and I cannot even imagine how amazing it is going to feel to eventually fill the void, I just can't stand the thought of waiting another second for my destiny to arrive. 

The Long and Winding Road

Husband had his semen analysis yesterday and I was able to have a good long chat with our RE. The sperm numbers are up but the motility is non existent; as in not even one sperm doing a little jiggle trying to move. So, it's not looking like the quality is ever going to really improve - and now I know not to waste my freaking time after sex and I can just get up and pee already!- so we can finally move forward with the next protocol.

Timing, Mother Nature, and whatever powers their may be out there being the motherfuckers that they are, yesterday s also the day my period decided to show up. I told my RE that I was going to sweet talk him into letting me start the cycle today and he laughed and said that it's unfortunately up to the insurance company; we still need approval for round two which of course has been on hold. Soooo, if it were up to my RE we would've started with monitoring today and gone straight to five days progesterone in a week or so and then straight forward to the transfer. Lovely, easy, all the work up to my husband this time around, right? Big fucking negative, Ghost Writer. 

We are one of TWO of his patients ever to have insurance say that egg thawing is still an "experimental science" and won't cover it (ahhh, a loophole. I know, I should not complain because we do get so much covered). Therefore, I get to do an entire round of IVF drugs again starting next cycle. Tell the folks what she's won: this will be a smaller round since my awesome RE is going to give the finger to the insurance company and thaw my eggs anyway on my retrieval day, so I'll get to skip Lupron all together, thank you baby Jesus. 

There's a lot to worry about, per usual and I'm completely jaded from my last retrieval experience but I've got about a month to get it out of my system and then I'll be riding the hormone crazy train again. Woowoooo. 

Saturday Errands

No matter how great you're feeling, it will always be shitty if your Trader Joe's is directly next to a Babies R Us.

                           

   

We Have Movement

It's been over one month since my egg retrieval. Our RE wants my husband to go to a renowned urologist in Boston to figure out just what the f caused a significant drop in his production. We managed to get an appointment for this week, RE warned us that the urologist can be a bit of an aspy case; I'm totally looking forward to either winning him over with my charms or at least having some great stories for you all. 

My husband also went back yesterday -for a second time post-retrieval - to try to produce something for the cryobank. He called me on his way home, saying he'd waited for the lab tech to give it a look under the scope, and that the guy said that this time there was "movement" - something they hadn't seen for the previous three. I tend to be cautiously optimistic during this entire process: I hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Of course, at the time my husband called me, the semen had not been fully analyzed so I just went about my day; it's hard to allow many emotions in at this point regarding the IVF process. On my drive home, RE called to say they did find "very little" sperm and that they are moving slowly, not sure how they'll survive the thaw, etc (insert many analogies that doctors seem to use when they assume that you're an idiot) but that they would freeze what they have and for Hub to come back in later this week and give another shot but keep the appointment with the urologist. 

At the end of the conversation RE revealed that there are two sperm (sperms?!) to freeze. It costs $250 for each cryobank sample. Husband claims he'll pay thousands of dollars to give as much of a chance as we can.  I think I'll keep him around for now. Someone light a candle or say a prayer to Buddha, or whomever to help us find some sperm please for the love. 

I Gave Myself A UTI

Remember that time when I had sex and, despite knowing damn well that you must get up and pee after sex, I laid in bed and convinced myself that I had a chance of getting pregnant if I just lay for a bit? Then I fell asleep and woke up with burning, stinking, urine. 

Let's go over the facts: 

-I was only on day 7 or 8 of my cycle, so even if my husband was not shooting blanks, I'm not really sure why I was telling myself that that fertility meds were going to make me super fertile this month (don't you love when the emotional overrules the logical part of you brain?). 

-My husband already had low numbers, motility, morphology, the whole MFI deal. Then we have the last three times he tried to give sperm for my eggs and the sperm was a big fat goose egg every time. Including one cryobank trip only a week before said UTI fiasco. 

-We tried to conceive for FOUR YEARS this way with no dice. We've been told we will never get pregnant without ICSI.

I'm now drinking cranberry juice and hoping that I can flush it out before the inevitable trip to my PCP. Because what would one week this year be without a trip to a doctor's office? I think our insurance cards should get those fun stamp squares like they have at coffee and ice cream shops only instead of a free doctor visit after 10, you get an ice cream. And not a cheap small soft serve cone, I'm talking like three toppings or a brownie sundae. 

That's It

It appears to be official that every woman I've been saying "as long as I get pregnant before her" about is pregnant. Everyone who got married after me - I was the first of pretty much all of my friends and everyone my age, for that matter, except for the extreme religious girls who got married and knocked up by the time the rest of us were collecting our college diplomas - is either expecting or already on her first or second child at least. 

I don't know why I bother to go on Facebook; I know it's the catalyst for all bad infertility feelings, but I just can't help it.  Particularly since I've been out of commission this week, it's as though I've become obsessed with keeping on top of all of the people I don't even care about. Today the one woman I secretly expected to see in my clinic waiting room one of these days posted a photo of an extremely pregnant belly, stating that she's expecting twins any day now. Did not see that coming.

 I would describe the feeling as a gut punch, for those who don't comprehend the desperate feeling of seeing people so easily achieve what you cannot. Yet a gut punch would be a welcome sensation compared to the physical and emotional reaction that washes over me each time I'm disappointed with my inability to conceive and the jealousy of those who can. I do not begrudge a single person for a situation so beyond human control, but it's impossible for me to be happy for these women or to even be able to see them at all. 

So that's it. Aside from the child-free crowd and the single & fabulous woman, it's just me. Even the lesbians I graduated with got knocked up during their closet days and now happily raise their children together. I am it. The cheese stands alone. 

                        

                             Figured since this is a downer post it could use this.

                                

The Stim-sons

You guys have NO idea how much I wish I had a more clever "Stim" title. And I thought about it a lot. I do have the Simpsons theme song stuck in my head though.

Tonight will be night 6 of doing Gonal F injections. It's kind of like a cool little spy gadget pen mixed with a bee sting (I'm still doing my own injections- it's a bit empowering to do them all myself). It only stings a bit during the injection process and occasionally leaves a bruise and I sometimes feel really full (which could be the reality due to amount of food I'm consuming) and I feel like I look bloated but, again, the eating could be the cause. Other than that, I haven't noticed much of any side effects. I've been a bit weepy, which means I've teared up a couple of times in the car when I let myself think about our family dog who needs to be put down or when I hear 'I Will Wait' by Mumford & Sons - thanks a lot to whomever put it in my head to relate that song to my desire to have a baby. 

                      

Thursday night I added Menopur to the mix, which brings me up to three subcutaneous injections (in my stomach) per day. The Menopur is mostly just a pain in the ass because it has to be mixed every time but it kind of makes me feel like a mad scientist. Thursday was also the first time I received any empathy from Husband during this entire process, because he saw the welt from the Gonal while he helped me prep the Menopur for the first time and he kind of went "wait, what's the mark?" upon realization of the amount of shit I'm putting myself through - although yes, I did tell him multiple times that day how many injections I'd be doing* - he looked shocked and told me he "felt really bad" don't think that I won't try and milk that for as long as possible. 

The Menopur stings during injection but again, haven't felt much. I'm starting to think maybe something isn't going right because other women complain of ovary pain and swelling and being emotional and I just kind of feel like I'm too full (which could totally just be the case as I've been eating as if I already am eating for two...or three. 

I've done the math and today was my seventh blood test since this began, and my third this week. I've had two ultrasounds this week and I can't even do the math for the injections I've been doing over the past two weeks. It's all going to be worth it. 

*Are we surprised he didn't hear me? Do they just all suffer from partial hearing loss?

                                           Day 5 on Gonal

                    My obsessive "am I bloated?" photos- bonus dog. 

                           

                                                        Day 6 

                                     A couple of barely there bruises 

The Lupron Diaries

Been emailing myself symptoms daily, with hopes to help out anyone who will be taking Lupron in the future. Keep in mind that most hormones and injectable exacerbate emotions or feelings that are already dormant - or not so dormant- inside of you and reactions will vary. I have not found this drug to be too horrible. *

*For those unfamiliar, Lupron(Leuprorelin) increases testosterone in the initial weeks of use and essentially causes the female body to believe it is in menopause. So the cycle is interrupted and the goal is for there to be no period, so that you can then go on to inject more hormones to make the body ovulate, etc etc (don't worry, you'll all hear all about the later injections...later).

Day one: Could not do it. Needles never bothered me until I had to do it myself. Husband did it in seconds flat. I think he gets a sick pleasure out of being able to stick me with a needle, no matter how tiny.

 Day two: Stuck myself. Quick and no problem. Partially because husband was sleeping and also bc I'd had no coffee yet....no time to think. Feeling a little anxious but could be PMSish or the rainy weather or just the situation itself. 

Day 3: Woke up a little late as it is Saturday, husband assures me it's not a big deal to take the shots an hour or so apart here and there. Stumbled into kitchen, shot my tummy. Last night I woke up feeling hot and with a sharp pain in stomach but fell immediately back to sleep. Not sure if I'm feeling a placebo effect or this is starting. I'm not going to say that's it's not that bad because that is a surefire way to wake up in excruciating pain tonight.

Day 3 update update - more picking on hub this afternoon. His Offense- he left clutter. In my defense- he has been home and out of work for two months. Two full, long, months. 

Day 4- so hungry. Bought Entenmann's donuts and raspberry strudel (only bc they were BOGO free) donuts are almost all gone. Still hungry. Husband is encouraging me to snack on carrots. Fuck. That. Shit 

Day 5- Jittery, tired.  Irritable.  Could easily just be me.

Day 6- Tired. Irritable

6still - feeling warm but not bad bc I'm usually always cold

6 cont- tired. So tired

Day 7- Headache.

Day 8- emotional. Not even 10am and already teared up twice. One at a Pharma commercial.

Day 8 cont- headache, day 2. I'm a migraine person so it's not the worst that could happen by any means. 

Day 9- Soooo tired. Not sure if due to  week of rain or meds. How's it possible to be SO anxious with racing heart and yet soo exhausted. Cannot wait to go home and be lazy. Not even 10am yet.

I think my boobs are getting sore, is that supposed to happen?

Day 9- Welcome back, headache. Not really, you ugly little cunt. 

Day 10 - so much anxiety. Also tried to go to local fair but preggosEVERYWHERE.

Night 10- Oh, what do you know? headache. And boobs are definitely a smidge sore. Not PMS sore, but a smidge sore. God I hope they grow during all of this. 

Day 11midnight, or day 10 midnight? Let's say it's day 11, just after midnight. Got my period. Spent entire night freaking out because nurse told me that was not supposed to happen. No sleep because of freak out. Call nurse at open and she assures me I'm on perfect track to be seen tomorrow for bloodwork and ultra sound as planned. Thanks a lot, first nurse. 

On no sleep and headache turns to migraine by noon, while I'm trying to help my dad celebrate Father's Day. It is full blown want to puke status by the time we make it to our second event of the day- a one year old birthday party. Did I mention I got no sleep?

Day 12- Tired. Start Gonal tonight. 

Well, now that I read that I sound like a whiny little bitch but it hasn't been as bad as I made it seem here, those were just the feelings at the exact second of the email. I went to work every day no problem, slept every night no problem (and took naps at work no problem) just a quick heartbeat here and there, usually in the first hour after the morning injections.

Now Offering: Syringe Trade-In Service

I hate to curse myself with terms like "good news" but it looks like I will be starting a round this coming week (fingers crossed, barring no surprises*). Husband got into an appointment early and I pushed, I mean I stalked my clinic to get everything in under the gun. Lo and behold, the pharmaceutical distributor - which just so happens to be located about 20 minutes away - called and asked when I wanted my meds.

The package arrived, ice cold, despite coming off a truck that I'm fairly certain came from being parked in Hades all day, this evening and I'm oddly like a kid in a candy shop, laying out my meds and taking them out of their cute boxes and carefully tucking them back in and saying goodnight. The amount of syringes though? I feel almost guilty that there are junkies, poking the same rusty needle into their eye day after day** and I have enough syringes to keep Keith Richards supplied for a few days at least. 

                    Sadly, the nail polish was not included in my package. 

    Just happened to have the perfect sized container for the non-fridged stuff. I get way too excited for stuff like that; I had to stop myself from slapping stickers all over it. 

*Why is it that, when you become an adult, surprises stop being the fun kind?

**That is how being a junky works, right?

Outing The INfertiles

I have a few friends who I suspect may be having issues conceiving. With the only friends who I know for a fact are infertile, we just kind of accidentally found out. Is there any appropriate way to find out if these few couples are having trouble? I keep trying to think of like sneaky conversation starters like, "oh I want to visit China someday. Speaking of China, pandas have trouble conceiving." Or, "you guys like breakfast? Speaking of breakfast, how are your eggs?" 

I am not one to talk about my feelings or really about anything private. With anyone. My mom doesn't know what we're going through. I feel as though I can't expect other people to want share their intimate stuff especially if I don't so am I just reaching for straws? I feel lonely and isolated and it becomes clearer everyday that even the most compassionate of people cannot understand or give the appropriate support unless they have gone through infertility or had trouble conceiving. 

What have your experiences been with fellow infertiles? Or do you have couples you wonder about? How have you found out about them or how have others found out about you? 

I also just want attention because I have no news and nothing going and I figured there were others   in a similar spot. It sucks to not be able to contribute to conversations and to feel so selfish because you can't even feel happy for someone going through IVF because you're too jealous that you're not moving forward.